First ever screenplay

[slimblues]

The Dream/Dept


Camera pans around the room and focus?s on a bed , lying in the bed is a young man about 18 yo(sleeping like a angel). Without warning the door burst open revealing a dark figure

MAN: what the **** ! , who the **** are you!!.

Figure: ?heavy breathing?

The man attempts to reach under his bed but as he goes to do so the figure leaps over and restrains the man

Figure: where do you think your going?

Cuts to a messy teenager?s room with clothes piling over the floor like valleys.

Man: Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! [Pause] man that was some weird dream

The man leans over to his bedside table and grabs his sketch pad and pencil and begins to draw.

Cuts to a boy sitting at his computer staring at the screen with the room pitch black just the light off the monitor reflecting onto his face.

Beep?tap..tap.beep?tap..tap..beep..beep

Bading the boy receives a message of some sort

Fade to black

Cuts to man in shower, the camera pans around the room with the noise of the shower in the back round, the camera pans the room and focus? on the sketch pad
It?s the drawing of the dark figure, for a second it looks like it moves, the man comes from the shower to see his sketch pad open on the picture he drew, a gust of wind catches the pad skipping pages to reveal what seems to be a boy

un-deleted
happy?
hehe

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 13, 2003 09:29 AM: Message edited by: slimblues ]</font>

[untamed_aggression]

In a word, "I don't get it."

[slimblues]

basically man dreams about figure , his an artist so he draws it , previosly not know to the audience yet he dreamed of the boy on the computer something happens the boy makes his dreams come to life ie the sketch pad figure comes out of the pad and bam the end
(very very very rough version [img]tongue.gif[/img] )

[emjen]

www.script-o-rama.com

read a couple of recent screenplays to see how the formatting is 'supposed to be done'.

[slimblues]

ppl just dont understand
i seen how its suppose to be done this is just a ROUGH version

[emjen]

Hey, my rough versions have proper formatting. If you'd have written it more clearly than maybe I would picture it better.

[Kev Owens]

I'd agree. If you applied formatting rules [especially leaving out camera directions and the computer noises for christs sake] then people would be able to understand your script. Plus you've stretched the god-**** screen so we have to scroll along to read the ******* which is just plain annoying!

From what I read I thought it was a bit too short to gauge a decent opinion on; but since you insist I thought it was amateurish, boring, poorly written, unoriginal and definitely the worst 'screenplay' I've ever read on here. [Just being honest.]

[ac_01]

I think the reason we don't get it is format. People whine about script format and they don't realise that its there for a reason -- to make it easier for the reader to follow. Its not really a script, **** its not even prose.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 13, 2003 07:55 AM: Message edited by: ac_01 ]</font>

[redlum]

Instead of telling you what you already know (that it isnt officially formatted), I'll comment on the idea.

Way too high concept. Whats the point to it? It's just an idea, like an advert for Crayola or something. "Man, that was some weird dream" - that piece of dialogue right there makes me want to rip my heart out. I'm just being harsh because people who complain about formatting when someones trying pitch an idea also make me want to rip my heart out. Although your thread title is kind of misleading.

It ***** . Reminds me of that kids show with that cartoonist kid whose character Mac, used to come to life and screw things up like some crazed leprachaun. His drawings were way to good for someone of his age.

Scrap that draft. And write something with characters and a story of some sort. This thing relies too heavily shadowy, lurking figures that are just going to look like **** with a low budget. Write something that makes the best use of stuff you have, not the worst use of things you dont. And get rid of that patronising line about a 'weird dream'. It sounds like Bill and Ted dialogue.

[slimblues]

cba with this **** i dont think ppl no wtf is... **** it

fine finethen ill ******* scrap it.
happy now.

Ext Street
Boy crying

btw not everyone has a low budget + ur roughs maybe in proper formatting but is this your first ever in the world attempt i think not
im not having a rant but itsa hardley lilkey like that line will stay about the dream, ya think i dont know how corney that sounds + i doubt my friends will be able to pull of such a dramatic line

*goes off to write some comedy*
how about someone getting kicked in the balls [img]tongue.gif[/img] jokes hehe

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 13, 2003 08:43 AM: Message edited by: slimblues ]</font>